Oooooh Another Blog!

But I’m going to let my heart out here anyways.

Recently my girlfriend broke up with me. Yes, it was mostly my fault. I am not going to be naive enough to say it was entirely my fault, but it was mostly my fault. I can’t believe the things I did, the things I said. I regret all of it immensely. I miss her so much, and makes me regret even coming to China, even makes me regret making Chinese my major. She’s the most important thing in my life, and I lost her.

I still have hope, though. She says that she still loves me, and I believe her. The reason we’re separated is because we hurt each other, and we hurt each other because I’m immature and self-centered. I will go back to Seattle in 12 weeks to try to win her back. In those 12 weeks, I’m going to try my hardest to change myself. I know I have a lot of flaws to work on, and it’s going to be extremely tough to change all of them, but for her sake, I will do whatever it takes.

I know what I sound like. I really do. I even know what I’d sound like if I said “I love her and don’t want to be without her”, because I’ve witnessed it myself. But the thing is that it’s not her that is the problem; I am the problem. If I don’t change, none of my future relationships (if any) will be any different. I will end up hurting each and every one. I have to do this. I really, really do.

The first thing I have to change is my way of thought around others. I’m extremely self-centered. I’m spoiled. I take everything for granted. It has to stop. I have to put others before me and be happy from other people’s happiness. After that, I need to stop being an asshole. I’ve been told that I’m not that much of an asshole, but I know I was a real asshole to Marissa. Trust me, I was. I look back at what I’ve done and want to kill my past self. After that, who knows. Marissa told me that my most annoying trait is my mannerisms, but I hope those will go away when I work on these two things. I’m trying to get people to tell me what they dislike about me so I can work on them, but people are hesitant to hurt my feelings. But right now, I will take any amount of pain, physical and emotional, just to make myself a better person, and ultimately to have Marissa back.

I love her. I really, really do.